My First Time …

 

I sit in my fully furnished Colorado apartment, in which I’m calling home for the summer, watching the young Carrie Bradshaw contemplate on writing an essay about the first time she had sex.

 

Most of us have some elaborate story about either how amazing or  horrible their first time was. Fortunately, that experience has very little to do with who I am today. My first sexual experience wasn’t very memorable or enjoyable making it very easy to not talk about. However, there’s another first that has had the greatest impact on me… the first time I realized my parents weren’t perfect.

 

 

they had me young and I grew up thinking that my parents were the most supportive, loving and honest people in the world. I felt like no matter what they would do anything for me and that’s how it would always be.

 

Until the 7th grade… things just kind of went left. so many things were happening in my life that just came so fast and unexpectant.

 

Although my parents weren’t together I never felt like their love for me or each other had dwindled. They were co-parents, although they had their share of arguments, I was too young to read into any of them. I always thought they were fighting over who loved me more lol. (which I later grew up to realize this wasn’t true)

 

The seventh grade was the year that I realized my mom could hurt, that she held the capability to lie, and that she didn’t always make the right decisions.

 

She married a man who was perverted, who would go on to not only hurt her, but her only daughter at the time. I learned to love my step father, and realized that he was one of the disgusting men that I would red about or see on TV. Never thinking he would put me or my family in the predicament that he did.

 

For a while I blamed my mom moved away to grandma on my dad’s side. Then realized that my dad and his side of the family wouldn’t be my refuge.

 

I realized that no matter how much I knew my dad loved me he has never actually said it.  He allowed his mother to feed him negative stories about me and he  believed it because he never really KNEW ME. He never really took the chance to get to know me.

 

The seventh grade I lost my virginity, and naivetés to the negative aspects of life. My parents weren’t perfect, and I had to deal with that.

 

Most of my life I felt like I was chastised to be perfect. Don’t lie, don’t steal, don’t curse, don’t cheat, don’t be nasty, always be nice, always be respectful… I grew up and realized that everything that was beaten in me, were the very things that my parents and other adults still did.

It was a hard pill to swallow, that everything I learned was situational and an option, even though it was forced on me.

 

I began to look at the world different, casting judgement on those who didn’t fit into the perfect person that my mother had raised me to be. I even casted all that judgement on her and my father. Resenting them, holding grudges in my heart for the things I felt they didn’t do but should have.

 

For a while the world didn’t make sense to me. So, I began to make my own mistakes. feeling like nothing even mattered, because the people who are supposed to do right, don’t, so why should I?

It wasn’t until I got to college and began to seek God for myself that I began to do good things just because. I began wanting to be the best me ever because God showed me so much favor. I wanted to be more like him. And day after day my flesh died, and I became less judgmental, less hard on myself and others.

 

I learned that I couldn’t keep expecting the people in my life to be perfect. I gave almost everyone in my life such high standards and ultimately if they didn’t reach them I would disown them. it took me go  through a lot of relationships and failed friendships to realize this.

 

I finally talked to my mom and let go of the hurt, now she’s like my best friend. and me and my Dad talk to each other all the time, I share things with him that I would have never thought I would be able to talk to him about.

 

I am blessed to have this experience, and I am blessed to have learned this at this point in my life. Now, I can go on building relationships that will prosper, with all I have learned. I am excited to see the new relationships I will foster with me new way of perceiving the world.

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